Category: of Loss and Loneliness

The Complete Destruction of Everything Known

Reaching deep
into my incomplete self
recognizing the demons
that haunt and belay me
beyond my knowing or belief
betrayed by my measurement of self
and my ignorance of this world.

Deemed necessary for me
to cast judgement, all too easy, and convenient
to jest and parade my wonder for all to see.
No wonder. I am as I am and while I evolve into nothing
from where I came and where I began, I will return.

It’s these days, unsure and frightening
that I recede into my thoughts and my expectations.
No longer valid or realizable, I lament over a life spent in vain.

To have only helped myself, I have become a creature.
A creature traveling to nowhere, to a vast desert of vast waste
and vast desperation and loneliness.

To cry. Cry out. Fruitless, as I have dishonored you and my creator. No redemption as sentence is passed and the gates have closed.

Irredeemable, without hope, I trudge onto the end, which is unsure and terrifying.

Remorse, regret, confusion and unknowingness dog my steps.

Madness, my fate. Loneliness, my gate.

Should I meet a stranger and say, “how do you do?” and the stranger asks in kind. Should I believe that he is fine or troubled as I am? I just can’t say.

Without redemption, to die without exemption; an impossible thought for one such as I. So, I’ll decide that when the time is right, I will divorce the sorrows, the tomorrows, and take comfort that God will do with me as with everyone else; love and caress my weary soul.

-J

Whisper

In the dark, again, alone in my chair, listening to Dave Koz’s “When Will I Know for Sure” as smoke billows out of an open window and into the warm night air. Relaxed, as I sip a drink and a candle glows, softly. This moment I have prepared for us. Surreal in its peaceful ambiance and loveliness.

I remember a hot tub at midnight in Anchorage at a home of friends on a mountain, sun blaring. A cocktail with a friend in Aspen after an exhausting day. The warmth of a campfire where my wife and I rested. Rested eyes in each other’s for the first time, then for many nights, suddenly and unmistakably gone.

The late-night swims with our loved ones. Something stupid said by a grandson breaking the still of the water gliding over our bodies. The embrace, wet and close, slippery and sensual. The salty kiss and a throw of a ball chased by the dog.

The sweet whisper meant only for me. Our eyes locking in the same thought. Understanding that we belonged to the other. The assurance that, no matter what, she would be there, always.

The song changes. Crystal Blue Persuasion.

“The sun is a-risen’. A new day is coming. People are changin’. Ain’t it beautiful? Don’t you give up now. Just look to your soul. Open your mind.”

Words, meant for me.

The mandolin vibrates my being and another’s whose breath I feel on my neck. Then, the faint whisper, meant only for me.

-J

QUAGMIRE

She stole my soul
that bitch, that hole.

-J

The Actor

You don’t know me
You might think you do
I sing and dance across the screen
for everybody’s view

I play the part
sometimes the hero
I get the girl
then fade into the sunset

I’m charming
gracious, eloquent
unafraid
whenever it suits you

I’m confident
A real go-getter
Just a son of a gun
having fun and laughing

The world is my stage
you, my audience
A one-man show
as I spin a tale

A tale of splendor
A tale of triumph
of satisfaction
with lots of action

A tale
projected on a screen
In color, bigger than life
I’m always on the beam

I always play the part
You write the script
You are the directors
I’m just an actor

In my trailer, I take off my makeup
my costume, my toupee
I look again in the mirror
and there’s hardly a reflection.

-J

I Just Do

Why do I need?
It’s not admired
I wish I were an island
like some of you
Yet, so acquired…

I need you
To talk to
To walk with
To spend an afternoon
Such am I

Hours, too many, spent alone
All right for some, but not me
To need, a crime
just to ask for time
I need, I just do

I curse myself for wanting
Am I so weak to need?

In this world, alone
I reach out
A weakness I have
A meekness
A curse

I realize a friend is not forever
A shame
loyal and true
doesn’t matter to some
why me?

I need, I just do
I would stop
but I cannot
To stop, to thine own self
would be untrue

I need, I just do

-J

Life After Love

Can I stand up on my own?
Can I stand to be alone?
Is there life after love?

Is there life after love?
When I wake and she’s not there
When I break, there’s no one to lean on

When I need a kind caress
holding hands and all the rest
Is there life after love?

In the morning when I wake
I make the coffee, half a pot
morning breakfast, not a lot
do my best just not to break
a saddened smile I have to fake

Is there life after love?

An empty house, an empty heart
My soul cries out for her at night
All my days are not so bright
Where has love gone?

Is there life after love?

Every week I shop alone
What to buy, still unknown
Get my groceries by myself
then put my love up on a shelf

Is there life after love?

Is there time to find another
She to me was like no other
Can my heart, my soul, recover?

Is there life after love?

The love I feel never wanes
I’ll do my best, all the same
to let my heart heal again
and find someone to be a friend

I’ll never be the same
after love and all its pain
I may never love again,
just trudge on until the end.

Is there life after love?

-J

I See Dead People

Grieving one’s own death
A chore one does reluctantly
for we have died and it is hard to accept
The denial, the anger, the bargaining
in the balance, a worthwhile
process of growth and rebirth

The mistake, the common ruse
To hang on to the completed, the finished
for we are no longer living the past
All is dead to us
as we embark on an unknown
and adventurous journey

To drag the memories and alliances
to our new and wonderous existence
To lament the time and glory
ends in prolonging the awful purgatory
the entrance to a new and better understanding
a better course, a better life than was the last

The binding chains drag the corpses
from the life now extinguished into the present
and the people lay still beneath us
no life, no movement, no use as they have died
long before our love for them stopped glowing
Such are memories and the life that bore them
the life we must abandon as we were, ourselves, long before

To loosen these chains
to break the cuffs that bind
A difficult but necessary task
as the life once lived, once loved and cherished
has withered and must be buried alongside
Alongside the others, the others let go and forgotten
Those for whom we glowed and then forgot

These chains but keep me in a bewilderment
a confusion and a discomfort not deserved
preserved in formaldehyde and rouge
a puzzlement though the puzzle has been solved
the question answered repeatedly in deafening silence and stillness

In the stillness,
the cutters forcefully break the steel
Freed are the wonders of escape
the running, the arrival, the welcoming place
where I lay down and breath
breath in new life, new experiences
the clatter of the chains behind me, still
Still deafening in my ear.

-J

Endurance

Often, I question my survival
Madness dogs and I scurry for relief
My problems, high class
My mind, fragile and weary
I persist

Many so afflicted, my brothers and sisters
In silence they suffer
Ignorance, their salvation
as many do not realize
the battles and the defeats
they endure

They fight in desperation with courage,
courage they would deny
They feel overwhelmed and defeated
They endure, fight another day
A hopeful stalemate, their deliverance

Their life, worthy,
as their courage to press on Is heroic
They live as an example to the rest
Their significance, nil, but for the others
who admit no challenge or fear.

Strong are the weak when they fight
When they endure
When they conquer
When they overcome that which is inside of them

-J

Adrift

I’ve lived a life, full
exciting! turbulent! somewhat satisfying
Now, I grow old
I ponder and wonder
if I’ve outlived the worthwhile
and my days are slow

I look for a reason to go on
Find little satisfaction
as my days are routine and dull

I long for an embrace
a smile and another to relate to
Will these days, on and on
lead to joy, yet unknown
and fill this emptiness
I have grown to know

No plans, no ambitions
No clue as friends and family grow fewer
Each day, I pray
and know a loneliness that festers

In me, I know frustration
An ocean of hopelessness
where I drown in ignorance

My faith wanes
My fears ebb and flow
I go down for the umpteenth time

Help me, Lord,
trust that I will not drown but float
find a buoy in this sea of unknowingness
and drift until, once again, I see the shore.

-J

The Weight

I sit
wondering
if I’ll ever be loved
The memory of my wife
emblazoned in my head
The times we shared
Good and Bad
Now, she’s dead
and I struggle
struggle to go on without her
without the comfort of her warm heart
 

Today, thoughts of yesterday
crowd my head
Her things around me
as my heart seeks peace
As my being, incomplete
remembers a whisper
a soft caress
I travel somewhere
somewhere inside
where I am tortured
by my own inadequacy
 

Having loved and won
having loved and lost
the defeat and the sorrow
won’t leave me alone
I think about the chances
The chance I might find another
The chances, slim
But my heart…
my heart dims
as I spend another day, alone
and wait for love.
 

-J

Angels

memories of the girls, the women that I’ve loved
not ones that lasted weeks or days or an hour
but ones whose lives I’ve touched
whose memories, but a shadow,
haunt me with their smile, especially
their laughter, their trust
and lust, those too

where are they now
who do they love
my hopes, a better man
a better man than I

memories, warm and mysterious,
intoxicating and full
above all, spirit-filled and lasting
somewhere out there, still

their touch, a pleasure
the love I felt and feel,
undiminished,
undeniably for real
to wish they knew me now
to know that I am better
less handsome, more appealing
debonair or so I thought
doesn’t matter anymore

these lives, these angels
appearing in my path
along the way, in my youth
in my unknowing and my haste
to discard, a waste
companions, the best
each, true loves
abandoned for myself or another
but never for them

until…

until the moment
this moment
the moment I realize
I am alone

-J

Each day

Each day, I call a friend
just to see how they are feeling
to find out what they’ve been up to
silly, I know

mostly, unavailable
sometimes I leave a message
they often text me, they’ll say
I’ll be busy for awhile
Perhaps I’ll call you next week

Disappointed
they missed the moment, their moment
when I thought of them
thought of them as someone special (to me)
and as my friend

no worth in my endeavor
no worth for them

a special time (for me)
something I might have wanted to tell them
unable and, most likely, forever forgotten

too busy or uninterested to bother
never mind the extraordinary moments of pain, glory, and love
we shared before

never mind the times, the thoughts, the stories
all but forgotten
thick, now thin,
all for not, mostly forgot
but why not for me?

-J

Promises

Disappointment
No reason
So often
an illusion
A season
of forgotten promises

not kept
Words repeating
Said without meaning
Fleeting expectations of truth
Just teasin’
for no apparent reason

A change
in courtesy
Common decency
no longer a trait
Just words spoken
Just dribble, just bait

“Oh yeah,
Let’s get together
I’ll call you tomorrow
We’ll go to the show
I’ll see you on Sunday
We’ll have a blast”

I wait, then wait
for consummation
Never straight
The words
The lies
Just deception

An epidemic
A new social disease
Expectations created
with absence and ease
No thought of the other
Nobody to please
A selfish endeavor
for them but not me

My word, my bond
My words to you
to demonstrate
To honor these
and not forsake
Just as hard to ever break

A promise made should always be
enough for you to make it be
The present time will not concede
to not, a liar, a traitor ye
You build me up then let it be
I wait and wait, just wait to see

Then, nothing.

-J

Until That Day

She would have been heartbroken
if she was still around
to see what has become
of this life I have begun

Alone in my space
and in my head
Her troubled mind
would reach and say
Honey, please!
just come to bed

Too long coming
Too late to say
I love you
just one more time

She waits until,
‘till she’ll be mine
and me, hers to see
and love so

The end of time
approaches the unreal
when heaven opens
and once again
she is here, completely

Until that day,
softly, she touches my soul
with her arms and her eyes
and comforts me, delicately,
from beyond this world

That day may come
that day, surreal
but knowing that one life
our Life, perhaps a dream
will be the same
and never end

-J

Shine

She came and brought me light
She came and brought me vision
She came and brought me life
And wonders
And shoes

And now, she’s far from me
Now, there’s no one to hold when I am alone and scared

When the day is bright, I see her
When the day is long, I feel her near
When the day is steeped in trouble, she reveals herself
And takes my hand
She leads me to some place
A place unfamiliar to me where, without her, I can’t stay

She shines and then she’s gone

-J